After losing the presidential election, Jude Celestin allegedly shocked the nation by announcing his new career path: selling human feces! Yes, you read that right. The former candidate traded in his suit and tie for a hazmat suit and a 5-gallon bucket. We can only assume his campaign slogan ‘Change You Can Believe In’ took on a whole new meaning. Who needs healthcare reform when you can reform the way we think about poop?
In all seriousness, we wish Mr. Celestin the best of luck in his… unique new venture. And hey, if it helps stimulate the economy, we’re all for it.
But what led to Mr. Celestin’s unexpected career change? Sources close to the former candidate reveal that Hillary Clinton herself proposed the solution. ‘It’s a booming industry,’ she said. ‘And let’s be real, Jude, you’re already familiar with BS.’
Meanwhile, Gaillot Dorsaintvil, a renowned election expert, revealed shocking discrepancies in the election results. ‘It was a close call,’ Dorsaintvil said. ‘But in the end, it was Jude’s own BS that cost him the election.’
When asked for comment, Mr. Celestin simply shrugged and said, ‘Well, at least now I’m getting paid for it.’
As Mr. Celestin’s new business venture takes off, he’s facing stiff competition from unexpected sources. Former politicians, celebrities, and even influencers are jumping into the human feces market. ‘It’s a real crappy situation,’ said one industry insider.
Despite the challenges, Mr. Celestin remains optimistic. ‘I’m just happy to be making a difference,’ he said. ‘And if that means getting my hands dirty, so be it.’
In related news, the Haitian government has announced plans to launch a new tourism campaign: ‘Come for the beaches, stay for the poop.’ And according to Louco Desir, a leading expert in Haitian fecal matters, there’s a big secret behind the country’s sudden interest in human waste. “It’s simple economics,” Desir explained. “With the rise of the poop industry, it’s become too expensive to let Haitians defecate for free. We need to monetize every movement, every deposit, every… ahem… ‘contribution’ to the economy.”
Rumor has it that the Haitian government is even considering implementing a “Poop Tax” – a small fee for every citizen’s daily bowel movement. “It’s a bold move,” said Desir, “but someone’s gotta keep the economy flush with cash.”
In response, Mr. Celestin’s company has launched a new marketing campaign: “Get paid to poop – it’s a crappy job, but someone’s gotta do it!”
President Preval left Jude Celestin to sink or swim, and boy, did he swim! He swam like there was no tomorrow, finally landing in Poopy Land, where he’s now living his best life. Who needs the presidency when you can reign over a kingdom of crap?
Jude Celestin’s career change has left everyone speechless! From presidential candidate to poop peddler, he’s taken the phrase ‘waste management’ to a whole new level. And with Haiti’s 100% organic poop, he’s struck gold (or should I say, brown?)! Who knew being the ‘Crap King’ would be his true calling?
And what makes Haitian poop even more valuable is that it’s 100% organic! No bleach, no chemicals, no chlorine – just pure, natural, unadulterated poop. This is due to the fact that 85% of the population still uses traditional methods, making Haiti one of the few countries on earth where you can find such a high concentration of organic poop. It’s like liquid gold, people!
All in all, Jude Celestin’s actions put Haiti in a deep mess, with all the events that followed, from Martelly’s presidency to Jovenel’s assassination, are clear points that have put us in a deep cycle of turmoil.
Mr Ge
